Most of my current followers probably remember some of the posts from the past. Posts about heartache and a love that wasn’t my own. A love that I spent the better part of 2 years trying to keep when it was really never meant to be in the first place. When I decided to start this blog again, I realized I could not do it without acknowledging what I’ve learned from that experience. Over the last two years following that not-so-love love, I’ve come to discover that love is something totally different than what I experienced. I can’t tell you all how many nights I spent crying my ugliest cries, losing every bit of sleep and walking around like a lost puppy because I couldn’t come to terms with my heartbreak. Love can be like playing football in the NFL with no helmet, no pads…no cup. In other words, it can be pretty effing brutal. Unfortunately that’s a lesson I’ve been learning all of my life. You think you know love until love shows you that it was never real. That is by far the hardest part. The second hardest part is relearning and redefining what love really is…what love is supposed to be. I still struggle to this day to hold tight to my current definition of love and I still have to try really really hard to love the way I want to be loved.
When you have a past as dramatically horrible as mine, you put up barriers that you don’t intend to let down. That’s exactly what I did and I had zero intentions of even speaking to another person, let alone falling in love with one. But it happened. Without my past, I would not have had the courage to find myself and to accept love in the way it’s supposed to be. I never got closure from the person that broke me as a whole. As much as I long for that closure some days, I know it is something that will never come. I have to be my own closure, I have to sew my heart back together, I have to let my new love patch me up as we move along. It’s the only way I’ll make it. As much as I don’t want to say it; I’m thankful for the hell I went through with my relationships because it is the reason I’m able to love so hard now. It’s a huge reason why I’m writing again too. Heartbreak is a part of who I am and I need to share it with the world.
I’m still healing but I’m happy too. And at the end of the day, happiness is all that matters.