This lesson has always been a challenge for me. I’ve always said ‘Hello’ to people thinking that was the only thing I had to do. I’ve always had a hard time not being completely blindsided by a ‘goodbye’ because…well, because I still haven’t successfully added that word to my vocabulary.
I recently (2 years ago) had to say one of the biggest goodbyes of my life. It changed who I was then and contributed greatly to the person I am now. I know most people will think that is a really dramatic statement, as it’s only been 2 years, but I’ve changed a lot in that time.
One of the hardest moments (and biggest reality check) of my life was having to say goodbye to a love that was never my own.
Now, I promised myself that I would not let the pain of my past become the focal point of this new and improved blog, but it certainly has to be spoken of in order for my readers to understand how far I’ve come. So, here we go.
3 years ago, I fell into a really crazy “situationship” with this guy. I really don’t know where he came from or how he managed to sneak his way into my life, but he did. He was smooth like that. Within a few months, my nose was wide open, he was seeping into every part of my life…even parts that I wanted to keep to myself. For example, our first “date” which wasn’t a date (because we didn’t actually go anywhere) he met my ENTIRE family. I tried to do the whole sneaking out the door with no one noticing but they noticed and held me hostage until he came in to introduce himself. That was just the first step. Before I knew it, he was invited to Sunday dinner, he was invited into my sisters home, my church, my aunt’s house, the family trip to New York and before I knew it: my heart. It all happened so fast that even with a lot of questionable things going on, nothing else mattered but his love for me.
Fast forward. A few years, some not-so-date dates, drama, tears, disappointment, wasted time and a lot of lies later, we stood together at the end of a very long road. Only one of us not knowing what to do or where to go next. ME. It was almost as if he regretted his decision to walk away because he held my hand until the very last moment. At least he was a gentleman about leaving me hanging, right? I was super crushed but for some crazy reason, I stayed behind to support him in his transition from one “love” to the next. Crazy, I know. It was like I couldn’t let go, I couldn’t accept the goodbye no matter what happened.
He couldn’t really accept the goodbye either, I guess. The late, late night phone calls started pouring in and I remember so many calls ending with “We really can’t do this anymore” just for us to start all over again when the sun came up. It was crazy. Insane. Bananas. It was the longest goodbye I’ve ever experienced and it ripped me apart like a tornado trapped inside of my chest. It was one of those “Okay, are we really doing this for real this time?” kinds of goodbyes. And it finally boiled down to a real ‘yes’.
When I think about it now, I can’t remember the moment we decided to never speak to each other again. I think it just kinda ended up that way. I think when I finally moved on, he felt the same hurt I’d been feeling all that time and had his own personal “chest tornado.” It was the hardest goodbye I have experienced this far in my life and it changed me forever.
I learned that there will always come a time when you have to say goodbye to the things and people you love. Especially when those things/people were only meant to be around for a season. I also learned that it will never be an easy process, as I still deal with many of the habits I developed from that part of my life today. But the greatest lesson I learned is that certain goodbyes are crucial for your development in life as friend, lover, sister, brother—as a human being. And as hard as that may be to accept, I know this one thing for sure: There will always be a time for goodbye because there is always a time for change. ❤